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Pages: Critique my first draft admission essay [1]
Author Topic: Critique my first draft admission essay
pinnell

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2011-02-08 18-32-56

Critique my first draft admission essay "Don't question authority," my mother always told me "Stand up for what you believe in." These mantras were repeated to me hundreds of times throughout my hood. Unfortunately, the first seemed to contradict the second and it became: "Stand up for what the authority believes in." I was confused. And so the seeds of doubt were sown. I endured years of high school trying to conform to the ideals of the conservative private school I attended in rural India. My interests and passions did not fit the mold. My love for sports and activism conflicted drastiy with the "graduate and get married" mentality of my classmates. The school emphasized characteristics thought needed to become a virtuous woman: quiet, docile, meek. A byproduct of this was a class of young women who believed that their whole raison d'etre was to be subservient. I longed to escape. When I graduated, I went to work at my father's clinic. That year, I witnessed firsthand the injustices of womanhood. I witnessed women who had been disowned by their families and husbands for being HIV positive. I witnessed pregnant women who were scared their unborn ren would be infected. I witnessed a whole generation of grandparents who had been shouldered with the responsibility of raising their orphaned grand ren. I witnessed the Indian woman bear the burden of society and I felt so sad and angry and scared all the same time. My strong desire for activism became shaped by experiences like these and myriad of other people and standards as well. For example, I am angered by a policy that places emphasis on abstinence in a society which traditions make it difficult for a woman to say no. I am angered by a society that frowns upon female condoms. I am angered by the lack of understanding that sorrounds this disease: the blame, the stigma and the prejudice. But most importantly, I'm angered by the lack of a social welfare program in India that offers assistance to people living with the disease. In light of these dire straits, the need for such a program is obvious.
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Dorette

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2011-02-10 22-17-19

hope no steals this. a quick cut & paste & the dreaded app essay is ready in record time
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2011-02-12 14-54-36

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  • talkin

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    2011-02-16 17-22-20

    Good essay I feel I have overcome through hard work the milestones that I would have faced especially being from a third world country. You don't overcome milestones, you acheive or reach them. Use active voice.
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  • bachar

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    2011-03-04 4-00-32-

    Flows really well and pulls you along These sentences need crafting: Being in America has been a learning experience for me. I feel I have overcome through hard work the milestones that I would have faced especially being from a third world country. I'd love to see the final version!
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  • hauptman

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    2011-03-16 6-07-14-

    what's the prompt? and, I think there should be an 'a' between the and and myriad here: and myriad of other people and standards as well. 'Which' should probably be 'which has' or 'whose', re: "I am angered by a policy that places emphasis on abstinence in a society which traditions make it difficult for a woman to say no." Stylistiy, it sounds a little strange to say "a Masters degree in Social Work" right after the other. That's just me. On the same note, saying "Mills" after you've mentioned his full name is sufficient and probably better than repeating. In my experience, milestones are not overcome. Something like 'hurdles' would work better in this sentence. "I feel I have overcome through hard work the milestones that I would have faced especially being from a third world country." Also, your last sentence feels like a run-on but I'm not sure.
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    2011-03-18 6-36-06-

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    2011-04-26 18-47-02

    All but my friend Bob Massie He is waiting for a liver transplant-due to other related problem. He is the longest living HIV+ non-progresser. his website if you would consider donation.
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    2011-08-23 13-18-01

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